Day 7: “Dream a little dream of me.”
So I finally had my first “food dream.” Years ago, when I quit smoking, I used to get smoking dreams. Some were so real-seeming that when I would wake up, I would have to remind myself that I hadn’t fallen off the wagon. I guess it is your brain cleaning house and goes with the territory. So I had my first carnivore dream. I figured that when it happened, it would be some food porn type dream with a big greasy cheeseburger or perhaps a big slice of my favorite beef and jalapeno pizza. Oddly enough it was neither but a big plate of fish and chips. And not any of that “Long John Silvers” dross but a real authentic English style with the salt and vinegar like I used to eat when I lived there. Luckily for me, the real McCoy (or would it be the real McCod) is hard to come by in these parts, so my resolve remains intact.
Day 8: “Broadway the hard way.”
Often when someone achieves a massive weight loss, you’ll hear someone say “They just had a by-pass is all” Like getting an intestinal by-pass was some shortcut to real weight loss. I know several people who have had the procedure done, and I know for sure it wasn’t easy for them. There are issues of infection, near-constant nausea, a lot of physical pain, and discomfort, and the risk of having the weight come back on if you don’t do proper maintenance. But having said that, the procedure can fast track someone to a balanced body weight which may not have been able to lose any other way successfully. But the stigma exists with some people. (usually, people who don’t have issues with body mass themselves) .
The truth is, If I could do a by-pass, I would do it in a heartbeat. But it is not part of my reality. In the US, if you can’t put the 25k required for the procedure on the table, then it is up to the insurance company to determine if they are willing to pay. My insurance provider has told me they will never, ever pay regardless of how much I weigh. They won’t even cover a dietitian to advise me. It is all on my chubby shoulders. It will take a whole lot longer this way, but by golly, but when I do this, there is no way I am going back.
Day 9: “You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.”
Five things I won’t miss about being at a healthy weight.
1) Not dreading every time someone takes a picture. Fat people, as a rule, hate pictures. The trepidation of knowing you’ll have to look at it and think to yourself “My God, I’m huge!” I took some “before pictures’ to use when I am at my normal weight. In the first picture, I am smiling. On the second picture, my face is crestfallen and sad. The reason was because I saw the first photo. The look said everything. When I travel, I almost never include myself. Partly because I almost always travel alone but also because I have a tough time looking at myself anymore. The longing to have this change is a major fuel in my fire to get this whole mess resolved once and for all.
2) The fear of meeting someone I haven’t seen in a long time and knowing they are thinking “Boy, he let himself go.” I almost wish they’d say it out loud so it will take the air out of that big black balloon floating in the room. Sometimes, I’ll make a joke about my weight, just to let them know it’s alright and ease the tension.
3) My weight is the first thing people notice, or how people describe me. “Have you met Darryl? What’s he look like”. “Well, he’s heavy, has reddish brown hair…” The weight is almost always the lead story. I got nice dimples and big brown eyes too. They don’t get top billing. I want me to be the first thing people see, not my body type.
4) Mobility. I don’t want to go to a restaurant and worry if I can fit in the booth. Can that chair support me? Will I have to ask the flight attendant for a seatbelt extension? Can I put my socks and shoes on in front of another person and not embarrass myself? They never tell you about all these things when you are starting to put on weight. I should write a book about it; I could title it “What to expect when you look like you’re expecting.”
5) Clothes. I’d like to buy ‘off the rack’ again. Not have to have someone check and see if they have something in my size. See something and know I can get it without fear. Being able to bend over and not hear a ripping noise.
These things keep me motivated. (sometimes they keep me up at night too) But it will be worth the effort. I will make sure of that.